Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hard to believe that our Little Man would have been two tomorrow... Hard to believe it's almost been two years since the phenomenal day that he came into this world. And I can't believe, two months from now, it will be two years since we lost him.

It seems like yesterday.

How can such a little guy change your life forever? My counselor noted that we experienced such extremes in emotions... in such a short amount of time. His and his sister's births were the greatest days of our lives. Losing him two months later was and is so deep, so inexpressible.

We grieve not only the loss of the little boy we knew, but the realization that we will not see him grow up... the loss of the future we expected to have.

And you never know what is going to trigger these thoughts. I saw a teenage boy shooting hoops recently, and tears came to my eyes unexpectedly. Knowing how much sports have been a part of Greg's life, I couldn't help but wonder if Luke would've been into basketball too.

Who knows, maybe he would have been artsy like his mom and never touched a basketball...

But we have so many dreams for our kids, and didn't even realize it. Before Luke was even born, I made a mental note to one day give his future wife the beautiful locket his dad gave me as a gift for his baby shower. He wasn't even born, and I was already thinking about his future wife!

One of things we were most excited about when we found out he was coming was that he and Summer would be two years apart. We loved that they were going to get to "do life" together. Just today Summer asked me where Lukey is. She talks about him almost every day.

The fact that we were robbed of that future can make me so spitting mad. I wanna grab an axe and chop down a tree or do something physical to let out my emotions. Two minutes later, I can be thinking about heaven and be more genuinely thankful for what Jesus did on the cross than I have ever been before.

Little man, we miss you so much. We miss you so much.


  1. I'm just going to soak in your words tonight. I have nothing amazing to say. No words of deep wisdom. I'm just praying for you my friend.

  2. Thanks for sharing Nicol. 2 already....crazy. Praying for you today.

  3. Nicol,
    What pleasant surprise to see you will now be blogging. I've been following Angie's blog since its inception, and soon after, Greg's blog. I would check Greg's site in hopes of catching a glimpse of how you were doing... (I might be considered a Smith family stalker :)

    Anyway, although I've not been through the death of a loved one, much less a child, I've been wrestling with God in other difficult circumstances. Thanks for the honesty about your raw emotions... Your last paragraph in this post is a relief for me to read. To know that you experience madness and frustration and yet at the same time are clinging to Him.. and isn't that, in the end, what the walk of faith is about.... who ever knew it would be so hard...Pray for you all daily and can't wait to see you in concert in June up in Michigan :)

    Annise (Sorry for the long post)